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“You’re It!” American Politics Explained


“The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might.”**

Lewis Carroll might have been writing about Green Bay on this particular lovely day, February 6, 2016. I just wish the sun would shine as brightly on the American system for choosing a president. And then perhaps I would begin to get a glimmer of understanding of how this most intricate of all political processes is designed to work.
If you feel you are functionally illiterate about any particular subject on the face of the earth, the thing to do is go to Google. Google will tell you anything you want to know (and a few things you don't) about anything. I'm even there, for Pete’s sake, so anything you ever wanted to know about me is listed in alphabetical order. Sorry, nothing in three letters or less under the word S.
There is only one mistake you can make, and that’s to try Googling a simple little subject like “American Politics”. There are fewer words in “War and Peace”, fewer pages in the “Encyclopaedia Britannica”.
That’s your problem, you say. The topic is too general. You need to be more specific. Right, so I Google in “Election of American Presidents”. The material under this heading is less than in the Bible but not by much. Finally I went looking for “State Primaries and Caucuses”. That seems like very basic stuff, and so it is – until you start reading it.
Canada has a three political parties system. The only real difference between them is that there is no difference between them. The US has a two-party system, the Republicans and the Democrats. The difference in those two is that what one is for, the other is adamantly against. They exist to attack each other at every opportunity and by all means except throwing rocks – which Newfoundlanders would have been great at.
There is a third group called Independents. These hang around the outer edges of the other two, and pick up the pieces of their political battles. The Independents then use these same pieces to attack the other two. For alien peoples such as Canadians this is very confusing.
US Presidents are elected by delegates at national conventions who are first elected at a state caucus or primary except that a caucus is not a primary and vice versa. Iowa, for example, has a caucus while New Hampshire has a primary. A caucus is run by the party and a primary operates under State law, or something like that. The results in either can be overturned under certain circumstances, although no one, especially Canadians and citizens of Borneo, is clear as to what they are.
After observing several days and nights of this process, one is left with the inescapable conclusion that the aim and termination (an old chap told me many, many years ago that his “aim and termination was to serve the Lard”) of these different parties is to destroy each other by whatever means possible. It is by this process that they discover who they are and why they are here. It's in their catechism.
Evangelical Christians and liberal Christians use the same process to answer the same question. Their highest purpose in the American political and religious schemes, which is where the two schemes come together (despite the avowed separation of church and state) is to wipe each other out.
This is accomplished through skilful use of their representative political parties: the Republicans (a.k.a. Donald Trump et al) for the evangelicals, and the Democrats (a.k.a. – Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders) for the liberals.
Another difference with the Canadian system is that our political parties do not try to destroy each other. Rather they fight like two earthworms. They simply wind up screwing each other, but it’s hard to tell which end is screwing which and by what method.
This is the limit of my understanding of the American political system..
I trust it is clear.
**“The Walrus and the Carpenter.” Lewis Carroll

Lewis Carroll might have been writing about Green Bay on this particular lovely day, February 6, 2016. I just wish the sun would shine as brightly on the American system for choosing a president. And then perhaps I would begin to get a glimmer of understanding of how this most intricate of all political processes is designed to work.
If you feel you are functionally illiterate about any particular subject on the face of the earth, the thing to do is go to Google. Google will tell you anything you want to know (and a few things you don't) about anything. I'm even there, for Pete’s sake, so anything you ever wanted to know about me is listed in alphabetical order. Sorry, nothing in three letters or less under the word S.
There is only one mistake you can make, and that’s to try Googling a simple little subject like “American Politics”. There are fewer words in “War and Peace”, fewer pages in the “Encyclopaedia Britannica”.
That’s your problem, you say. The topic is too general. You need to be more specific. Right, so I Google in “Election of American Presidents”. The material under this heading is less than in the Bible but not by much. Finally I went looking for “State Primaries and Caucuses”. That seems like very basic stuff, and so it is – until you start reading it.
Canada has a three political parties system. The only real difference between them is that there is no difference between them. The US has a two-party system, the Republicans and the Democrats. The difference in those two is that what one is for, the other is adamantly against. They exist to attack each other at every opportunity and by all means except throwing rocks – which Newfoundlanders would have been great at.
There is a third group called Independents. These hang around the outer edges of the other two, and pick up the pieces of their political battles. The Independents then use these same pieces to attack the other two. For alien peoples such as Canadians this is very confusing.
US Presidents are elected by delegates at national conventions who are first elected at a state caucus or primary except that a caucus is not a primary and vice versa. Iowa, for example, has a caucus while New Hampshire has a primary. A caucus is run by the party and a primary operates under State law, or something like that. The results in either can be overturned under certain circumstances, although no one, especially Canadians and citizens of Borneo, is clear as to what they are.
After observing several days and nights of this process, one is left with the inescapable conclusion that the aim and termination (an old chap told me many, many years ago that his “aim and termination was to serve the Lard”) of these different parties is to destroy each other by whatever means possible. It is by this process that they discover who they are and why they are here. It's in their catechism.
Evangelical Christians and liberal Christians use the same process to answer the same question. Their highest purpose in the American political and religious schemes, which is where the two schemes come together (despite the avowed separation of church and state) is to wipe each other out.
This is accomplished through skilful use of their representative political parties: the Republicans (a.k.a. Donald Trump et al) for the evangelicals, and the Democrats (a.k.a. – Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders) for the liberals.
Another difference with the Canadian system is that our political parties do not try to destroy each other. Rather they fight like two earthworms. They simply wind up screwing each other, but it’s hard to tell which end is screwing which and by what method.
This is the limit of my understanding of the American political system..
I trust it is clear.
**“The Walrus and the Carpenter.” Lewis Carroll

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