Where to from here -
I have never been especially good at receiving compliments.
The graciousness involved in accepting another person's flattery usually escapes me and I find myself struggling to respond appropriately. I often manage some way of belittling myself instead of just being grateful for the praise and I don't think this characteristic is especially unique to me. I know countless people who are unable to enjoy approval, people who become uncomfortable when singled out in an exceptional way. Perhaps it is the result of an upbringing stressing modesty rather than boastfulness. Certainly the very worst thing you could do growing up was "think a lot of yourself." Being accused of such a thing would summon the least confrontational person to defend, pleading that they in fact thought very poorly of themselves. This sometimes led to a recounting of all the characteristics you might find detestable about yourself, a veritable shopping list of all the reasons why you think you suck.
I really enjoyed your column the other day Megan.
Oh you read the columns, that's nice, I don't really know what I'm at half the time right, ha, sure just kind of...you know, writing my thoughts, not that I think I'm smart or anyone's interested or anything, no. (Gulp) I really like your shirt. Anyway...thanks. Bye.
Talk about awkward and insecure. Though, it is the fear of insincerity that prevents most of us compliment-suspicious-humans from reviling in a pinch of esteem. This is also the same reason why many (myself included) don't freely offer applause. We are afraid that you're not really genuine in your praise, that you're being sarcastic, that you feel obligated or worse, it's backhanded.
Which brings me to the loathsome backhanded compliment, probably responsible for the majority of graceless responses worldwide. The backhanded compliment is firmly grounded in asteism, a polite or ingenious way of deriding another person. Commonly referred to as jabs or digs, these remarks sound like disguised tussling techniques because that's what they truly are. They are insults for the cowardly. Rather than verbally punch you outright, backhanded compliments allow someone to ridicule with a safety net. The universally and maliciously intended "just joking." I would argue that people who are honestly just joking rarely have to clarify the fact. I would go so far to presume that "just joking" is primarily uttered by the very people who rarely are.
The most prevalent backhanded compliments go something like this: you're smarter than you look; you look good for your age; nice dress, did you make it yourself; and any sentence ever than ends with hesitation followed by for-a something, eg. you're a good driver...for a woman. For whatever reason, the people who generally offer backhanded compliments find great pleasure in revealing later that you believed them to be truthful.
Oh my gawd, she thought I liked her hair cause I told her I liked her hair, what an idiot?
But who's really the idiot here? The person who trusted you not to be spewing untruths or the person whose sense of humour can only be satiated by excluding another? Making someone the butt of a joke is basically the first lesson in the bully handbook. These backhanders thrive on garnering a reaction and believe upsetting another to be some indication of their level of intelligence (which no doubt it is). Good lord. No wonder many of us feel inadequate accepting praise. They could mean so many other things. Not nice things.
I admit that I myself have offered up some backhanded compliments in the past and confess that they were usually fueled by attempts to either appear funny or defend myself against a perceived slight. For the most part, I felt nothing but guilt and disgust with myself after the fact. It's the sort of below the belt style of fighting I've never respected as I feel it earns no respect.
So I suppose we should all take a page from the Bambie playbook when considering whether or not to give a compliment.
If you can't say something nice....and you know the rest.
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